10 Funny Smoking Jokes

No matter how serious the topics are. Good humor and jokes bring smile and laugh, relieve accumulation of nervous energy, and are tonic for human mind and body. Smoking is always a stern subject, resulting in endless debates in different forms from all walks of life. Funny smoking jokes are part of the smoking business asset. They lighten human burdens, attract and keep friends, are the best antidote for anxiety and depression, direct route to serenity and contentment. Here are 10 funny smoking jokes for your entertaining.


1. Smoking in the Rain

Two old ladies, Jane and Monica, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. Jane pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Monica: What is that?

Jane: A condom.

Monica: Where do you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Monica hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred. “Doesn’t matter,” she replied, “as long as it fits a Camel.”…


2. As Long As You Smoke and Have Sex, You Won’t Have Worms

In a school science class three worms were placed into three separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The second worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The third worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in cigarette smoke — dead.

The second worm in sperm — dead.

The third worm in soil — alive.

So the science teacher asked the class — “What can you learn from this experiment?”

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. “As long as you smoke and have sex, you won’t have worms.”


3. A Wife’s Smoking Ultimatum

A man called into a local radio station and told the “morning guys” that his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn’t going to get any sex. They asked him, “How long do you think you’ll be able to hold out?” Reply: “Until my girlfriend dies”


4. I’ve Quit Smoking Two Years Ago

Father: Son, you are mature enough now. I allow you to start smoking if you want to.

Son: Thanks dad, I’ve quit smoking two years ago.


5. I Don’t Want to Live Anymore

I quit smoking because I want to live, and now that I’m not smoking, I don’t want to live anymore.


6. Smoker Exhibits at a Futuristic Zoo

They used to have a smoking section at most airports. No more. They now have these glass-encased rooms. You’re not just a smoker, you’re an example to other people. You’re an exhibit at a futuristic zoo.


7. Smoking Reduces Rapping

I quit smoking because I’m so tired of hearing bad news about cigarettes… Even if they discover good news, they don’t publicize it — like the fact that smoking seriously reduces libido and reduces the risk of rapping.


8. A Smoking Riddle

Question: Three people are in a lifeboat, adrift at sea. They have four cigarettes, but no matches or lighters. How can they each smoke a cigarette?
Answer: Throw one cigarette overboard, which will make the boat a cigarette lighter!


9. The Secret of Smoking

A doctor, on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said “I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?”

“I smoke ten cigars a day” she said. “Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends I pop pills, get laid, and don’t exercise at all.”

“That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?”

“Twenty Six”, she replied.


10. Gone with the Wind

The followings are announcement for a flight captain before departure:
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Captain Jones. There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide.

There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit.

We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight … hold on, let me check what it is … Oh here it is; the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind.

End of the Jokes.


Persuading someone to quit smoking is not an easy task. The important step is to initiate the discussion. The funny smoking jokes could be the part of relaxing topic. Establish good relationship with smokers, inform them the choices they have. Nowadays, smokers are fortunately to have the privileges of enjoying the magic high from nature without diseases associated with the traditional tobacco smoking. If you have smoking related jokes, please share and post them below. Thanks.

9 thoughts on “10 Funny Smoking Jokes

  1. I don’t have any smoking-related jokes for you, but thanks for putting a smile on my face today!

    I agree finding the humour in a situation, even a potentially serious one, is so important to lighten the load and head off feelings of downheartedness. At times, it can even help to find the solution to a problem.

    1. Hi Yvonne, it is so nice to hear that the jokes put smile on your face. Let’s work together to find best solutions to this serious healthy problem. Thanks for your support!

    1. Hi Anthony, You made one of the most important decision in your life. There are so many assistance for people to quit smoking and I am confident you will find the idea tool to accomplish your quitting goal. If you need any help or information, please feel free to contact me, I will try my best to assist you. Good luck with your endeavor!

  2. Hahaha you made me laughing, Anthony! Will share this post of yours to my friends in the social media. I’m sure they gonna like it. Thanks for assembling them here.

  3. Hello Anthony, what a marvelously clever idea, having a joke page on stopping smoking. I really laughed hard at the older women and the camel cigarette.
    I look forward to coming back and reading more.
    In peace and gratitude, ariel

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